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Monday, December 14, 2009

When things don't make sense

Sometimes you wonder. You wonder at life at your little pretensions and you ask yourself in some maudlin despair if it were in any way possible to just fade away. You know, not breathe nor have to anticipate waking up the next morning then you gasp at the sheer cowardice of such a thought because you know you are hurting and confused. You are hurting because you wonder at the futility of it all. You made an attempt to reach for the moon and all you got was some pie in your face! What does it feel to eat lime grapes when they are at their sourest?

That is how you feel. Underneath it all, there is despairing question, will you ever get it right? What do they really want? What really will serve? What? You might as well ask the moon. After all they said it was dead place right? You have walked the gang plank as it were and there is a silent scream dead in your throat! Your throat is tight and dry from the desperate longing to cry and the horror of feeling you just might be able to do that.

But if you open your mouth and scream, will you be able to stop? You walk the street and you are tempted to step in front of a speeding car, one thump, one sharp pain, a red mist, silence and it will all be over. Then shame like slime crawled all over you and your turn over in the bed as you feel the slime of your saliva, it smells awful and you cannot swallow it and you rush to the bathroom and you cannot pee either. The owl laughs at you and you shiver from the dread of going to sleep.

Lord! It is going to be dawn soon, for me or for whom? You do not want to be different when you open your eyes and pinch yourself awake. One more morning settles like stone upon you! Why? It escapes gingerly from you, hope tries very hard to open the door and you hold on very tightly to your pain.

Some day child this will pass away. Hmm, they got you there. These humans, they got you by the short hairs. Sold you a pig in a poke when they whispered sweet nonsense about the possibility of happiness here on terra firma! What were you thinking of anyway, believing them?

There is nothing at the maggot heap except more maggots. All the crabs that made it to the top lost their names and limbs! You need to mention your name to yourself a thousand times a day just so you could remember what it signifies. Yes sir! You walked, like some soldier just let out of the war. Yes the war of life.

You did not ask for heroes. You do a body count of your dead dreams lying close to you like some tired whore! Why in heaven are you always attracted to pain. It seats so easy on you. No one has ever taken seriously whether you have needs.

When things don't make sense and you feel as bad as this, then help is nearest to you my friend. We won't always get what we want but love is laways waiting to be close to you.

1 comment:

  1. As always, a pleasure in my day is coming here and reading your words.